Pleasure to the world the Lord has come, and by “Lord” I do imply the season finale of season 5 of The Actual Housewives of Potomac. It’s actually bittersweet to say goodbye to those girls, who’ve given us a lot this season. Who may overlook The Nice Barn Brawl of 2019? Or T’Challa attacking Dr. Wendy? And even simply final week when Karen walked out of her personal Wig Shift with a Bang social gathering. I really can’t imagine it’s coming to an finish. Let earth obtain her
However earlier than the title playing cards roll with what they girls have been as much as since manufacturing stopped, we’ve gotta throw one last occasion to shut out the season. And who higher to throw stated social gathering than Little Miss IRS Robyn Dixon. Apparently, Robyn and Juan throw a vacation social gathering yearly for his or her household and buddies, and so they actually aren’t going to let a measly little 90Okay in debt get in the way in which of spreading the Christmas cheer. Nonetheless their Christmas cheer doesn’t lengthen to Monique, as she shouldn’t be invited to the social gathering. It’s identical to the Bible says, “forgiveness is nice and all, however when you ever get provoked into combating with somebody on a actuality TV present that’s type of all about combating, you’ll by no means see heaven or get invited to Robyn’s vacation social gathering.” Fairly certain that’s in Samuels four:11.
We contact down with Ms. Samuels at a therapist appointment the place we dive into a few of the trauma that contributed to her inappropriate response to Candiace’s prodding. Actually, it was very refreshing to see Monique speaking to an precise therapist that she discovered through Ashley Darby and never certainly one of her many pastor acquaintances. By means of tears, Monique likens the ladies icing her out to being bullied as a toddler, first at a predominantly white college for being Black, after which at a predominantly Black college the place her and her sister have been labeled “the white ladies” for “speaking too correct.” Woof, as a Black one who attended predominantly white faculties rising up this undoubtedly struck an emotional wire for me. It’s exhausting not becoming in and feeling remoted out of your friends whether or not you’re 9 years previous at college, or 45 years previous on nationwide tv. Clearly, Monique being bullied as a toddler doesn’t excuse her actions this season, however it does clarify them to a point. “I’m remorseful for my actions, however I’m not sorry for defending myself after I felt I wanted to,” says Monique, selecting her phrases very rigorously when requested if she feels any regret about The Nice Barn Brawl of 2019. I hope the publicist who got here up with that assertion obtained a pleasant vacation bonus and Not For Lazy Mothers reward bag.
However this episode shouldn’t be about Monique and her journey to self-actualization, it’s truly about Michael Darby being a drunken prick. We’re launched to Michael sipping on a Corona not serving to Ashley Darby get Dean dressed for his five-month photograph shoot and making jokes in regards to the measurement of his toddler son’s penis. “Watch his you recognize what,” he tells his spouse. “It’s fairly huge — runs within the household,” Michael quips, making your entire world deeply uncomfortable for roughly 30 seconds. The truth that this isn’t even prime 5 worst issues he does this episode reveals that we’re in for an actual doozy from our Australian ass pincher. I’ll say, child Dean cleans up properly and appears lovely in his little bowtie for that photograph shoot. He’s actually in his Gerber child period.
After the photoshoot, Ashley and Michael Darby have a frank and open dialog in regards to the state of their relationship, JK they gossip about whether or not or not Juan Dixon, one of many prime three hottest home husbands we’ve got, will lastly suggest to his ex-wife Robyn at their vacation social gathering. Ashley Darby is underneath the impression that Juan Dixon can be proposing on the social gathering, whereas Michael Darby says it’s not gonna occur. “That man is not going to try this… simply one thing I do know,” Michael says, disregarding the suggestion. Ummm what the fuck are you speaking about, Michael Darby? Juan’s complete storyline this season is asking Robyn to marry him. Are you dumb? Anyway, Michael refuses to share extra about why he thinks Juan’s obtained chilly toes, saying that he doesn’t need to get into Juan’s enterprise despite the fact that he’s blissful to gossip about him on nationwide tv. What an excellent good friend.
In the meantime, Candiace and her
former assaulter mom get their nails performed and discuss Candiace probably changing into a mom. That is in the end extremely boring and uninteresting as a result of it’s completely hypothetical and the 907th time we’ve heard Candiace focus on whether or not or not she’s thinking about motherhood. Woman, nobody cares when you have a child. It’s time to shit or get off the pot. Candiace remains to be disillusioned that her former bff Karen allegedly set her as much as see Monique at her wig social gathering, however Karen maintains that’s not what occurred. Whereas making ready to shill her LaDame elixir on HSN, Karen tells Ray-Ray that she’s disillusioned with how the ladies acted at her social gathering, which she left early as a result of she obtained caught in a lie about inviting Monique. Regardless that Karen did lie, what she lied about is totally different than what the women are accusing her of mendacity about, and that, frankly, shouldn’t be honest. Karen claims that she didn’t attempt to arrange Monique and Candiace to overlap and has the iPhone receipt texts to show it, asking Monique to come back at four and Candiace to come back at 6:30. Once more, that is all type of moot as a result of Monique and Candiace didn’t overlap, so we’re as soon as once more speaking a couple of hypothetical scenario that didn’t happen. In any case, Karen appears unbothered by the scenario and serves Cruella de Vil white fur realness on HSN whereas promoting her LaDame perfume and instructing girls to spray it behind their kneecaps. That’s LaDame for you — a category act via and thru.
Earlier than Robyn and Juan Dixon can get their blissful ending, we, the viewers, should be reminded of their hardships so we might be appropriately blissful for them for getting re-engaged. We get this scene courtesy of a extremely intense and legitimately emotional couples remedy session. Robyn recounts her romance with Juan Dixon — the way it started once they have been in highschool proper after Juan Dixon misplaced each of his dad and mom, and its ebbs and flows since that time. Robyn accuses Juan of not being “very palms on” when their boys have been infants, whereas Juan says their marriage was not in an excellent place earlier than he cheated on her. Robyn admits that she wasn’t in a spot the place she even cared to struggle for his or her marriage as a result of she was… look forward to it… drained (learn: sleepy). Juan says he was “lonely” of their marriage and as such appeared for “affection” and “romance” exterior of it. Robyn is usually a supporting character on the present, a henchmen of Messy Gizzy, so seeing her take heart stage this episode was actually compelling. As Karen (hilariously) stated, Robyn “doesn’t get many moments.” There’s extra to Robyn than tax issues and ugly hats! There’s a (sleepy) girl who’s been to hell and again together with her hot-ass husband. To see Robyn silently dab tears away whereas Juan Dixon talks about dishonest on her, now THAT’s a second. It’s the polar reverse of Candiace making an attempt to wring tears out of her eyes whereas dabbing away at nothing each six seconds. On the finish of their remedy session, Juan’s voice breaks a bit on “proceed to develop to be an incredible associate,” and I’m legitimately moved and am formally rooting for them as a pair. #JuanDixonAndSleepyRobyn4Eva
However I have to wipe away my blissful tears for Juan and Robyn, as a result of it’s time to social gathering! I have to say, for being 90Okay in debt, Robyn and Juan’s vacation social gathering seems fairly snazzy. How are they gonna write this one off? I don’t understand how taxes work for pseudo-rich folks, however I guess Robyn can attain out to fellow housewife Erika Jayne for recommendation. I’m certain she has an incredible accountant. Gizelle reveals up sans-Jamal, in fact. God, her outfit was so shut. If she merely didn’t put on the white pirate shirt and selected a special prime it could have been nice. Clearly, she’s not getting nice trend recommendation from her date Kal, as a result of that green-blue sparkly jacket he wore was not the wave. From the second she will get to the social gathering, it’s evident Gizzy is sick of being requested WHERE IS JAMAL?, and says in confessional that he can’t make it as a result of the social gathering is on a Saturday night time and preachers are famously not allowed to do something on Saturday night time due to church on Sunday. Gizzy’s power on the social gathering is actually that Kristin Wiig SNL character that’s obsessive about shock events and is so excited that she runs via partitions, and at one level she asks Juan Dixon how he’s going to suggest not 9 toes away from Robyn. Messy Gizzy gonna keep messy.
Can we discuss Robyn’s brother Marc in that gray blazer and purple shirt with a lady’s face on it that the producers needed to blur out? That was a lewk. Not gonna lie, I’m type of interested in him. Ashley Darby is available in serving a full Ariana Grande excessive pony with an already type of drunk Michael Darby, and I’m right here for it. She additionally type of seems like Doja Cat which I by no means observed earlier than? On the way in which to the social gathering, Candiace vocally warms up as a result of Robyn
allowed her requested her to carry out “I See You (Remix)” on the shindig. Within the automobile, Candiace tells White Chris that Karen requested her to come back to the wig social gathering between 5:15 and 5:30 on the telephone the day earlier than, which implies she simply may have run into Monique. Once more, I don’t know why we’re alleged to care about this as a result of it didn’t occur, however Candiace thinks that is sufficient ammo to come back at Karen with and intends on doing so. Sigh, traditional Candiace not having the ability seeing the forest for the timber, and in addition not warming up sufficient to sound good.
Again on the social gathering, Michael Darby is getting more and more intoxicated and saying impolite statements to the housewives. He talks about how he loves elevating child Dean as a result of he can “get pleasure from it extra” than he did along with his different youngsters, and Robyn pops in that Juan Dixon desires her to have one other child. SMH, not these males asking their wives to have extra infants as a result of they weren’t current the primary go spherical. He says he’s not ingesting liquor anymore as a result of he “will get in hassle,” which is code for he talks about “slurping sausages” and pinching cameramen’s butts towards their will. Candiace arrives and offers a really frosty wave to Ashley ‘Doja Cat’ Darby exhibiting that they’re nonetheless not on good phrases since Ashley firmly asserted her #TeamMonique allegiance on the dominatricks social gathering within the metropolis of Portugal. It’s not an incredible signal that I completely and utterly forgot Wendy existed earlier than she arrived on the occasion, serving Emily in Paris realness with a classy lil furry Chanel beret. However, hey, not less than Eddie seems sizzling. We don’t have time to spend on Wendy and the truth that Gizelle stated “she seems like a pimp,” as a result of Michael Darby is getting drunk and is seeking to trigger some hassle. He doubles down on the truth that Juan Dixon shouldn’t be going to suggest tonight, saying that he and Juan have a “particular relationship,” Juan hasn’t talked about to Michael that he was going to suggest, and that Juan has dedication points. Hmm, possibly Juan didn’t let you know he was planning on proposing since you’re not as shut as you suppose and in addition you’re chaotic evil and prefer to stir the pot? IDK I’m simply spitballing right here.
Lastly, we attain the second we’ve all been ready for, the primary stay efficiency of Candiace Dillard’s single “I See You (Remix). And boy is it… not superb! The monitor begins enjoying, however it’s so low that you just actually can’t hear it. Candiace tries to vaguely riff over the music whereas asking the DJ to bump the monitor. Woman, why didn’t you come early and sound test??? The remainder of the women will not be obsessive about the a cappella rendition of “I See You (Remix),” and now if you lookup the phrase “schadenfreude” within the dictionary you see Ashley’s confessional smirk. There’s a very hilarious second the place Candiace asks, “That’s as loud because it goes?” simply as Michael Darby goes as much as the bar and asks, “Can I get one other Corona?” Peak housewives dysfunction. Ultimately after a couple of really excruciating moments of Candiace singing, the monitor is available in and mainly drowns out Candiace’s voice, which is a blessing to us all. All through all of it, White Chris is within the nook enjoying the position of dutiful husband filming his spouse on his iPhone. “You may put yodeling on a go-go beat and you bought successful,” says Ashley Darby in confessional. Okay, lace up these shady boots Miss Ashley ‘Doja Cat’ Darby.
After Candiace’s, um, spirited efficiency, Juan Dixon takes over the mic and at last will get down on one knee and proposes to Robyn. Listed below are the notes I took whereas watching: I’m screaming. I’m so blissful I’m so blissful I’m so blissful omg omg omg if Candiace and Wendy don’t get the fuck out of the body omg thanks Gizelle for pushing them again. Robyn appears genuinely so excited and thrilled I like love. I’ve by no means seen Robyn look extra alive (or awake). Messy Gizzy was additionally thrilled, dropping “Whatcha gotta say now Crocodile Dundee?” within the confessional to shade Michael Darby, who’s formally “wasted” and has begun ordering photographs on the bar and attempting to ebook a spot on Juan Dixon’s bachelor social gathering roster. Are they that shut that he would get the look, actually? Doesn’t Juan Dixon have, like, sizzling NBA buddies that he may invite and never Michael?
Sooner or later, Karen is informed by the producers that that is the season finale and that she has to point out up, so to the ladies’s chagrin she arrives to the social gathering with Ray-Ray sporting an lovely little hat. Virtually instantly, the ladies sequester themselves and attempt to take Karen to process for “setting Candiace up” on the wig social gathering, however the accusations roll off Karen like water off a duck’s again. As a substitute of proudly owning as much as her lies, Karen says some cockamamie factor about taking seven flights to get to the vacation social gathering after which forgives the ladies for a way they acted at her wig social gathering. Very shrewd transfer on Karen’s half, as forgiving them retains her able of energy. She then launches into an extended and complicated monologue about consuming Kentucky Fried Hen after her wig social gathering, earlier than in the end denying ever setting Monique and Candiace up. “I don’t suppose I’ve to say every thing,” Karen says, deflecting in a relatable manner. This struggle is dumb as a result of everyone knows that the producers wouldn’t permit Candiace and Monique to come back inside 10 toes of one another. It’s evident that a few of the girls dislike Karen and that is their manner of attempting to get her, however it’s merely not sticking for me.
Candiace, nonetheless, insists on making this “a second.” She begins yelling at Karen about getting beat up by Monique (once more), which leads a blackout Michael Darby, who may have merely minded his enterprise, to go as much as White Chris and say, “You should management your spouse.” Yikes. “Michael, it is best to get the fuck out of my face,” says White Chris earlier than shoving Michael away. Very similar to Candiace did with Monique, Michael has successfully baited White Chris into getting right into a struggle with him, after which proceeded to behave stunned when issues turned bodily. Are Michael Darby and Candiace… a match made in heaven? Perhaps so. The white-on-white crime results in safety getting concerned and Michael instantly claiming that White Chris hit him, after which having to backtrack as a result of that completely didn’t occur. Huge Amy Cooper power coming from Michael all through this all, however fortunate for him he’s obtained Ashley Darby to defend him, who begins yelling at Candiace, calling her a hypocrite. Michael Darby — who’s threatening to sue White Chris — pushes Juan Dixon away with far more power than White Chris ever pushed him, however you don’t see Juan threatening to sue Michael Darby, do you? “A person touched me,” Michael Darby screams, belligerently. Actually, have you ever ever seen anybody as pathetic as Michael Darby in your complete goddamn life?
Michael someway wanders into the manufacturing space the place he continues to trigger a ruckus. He flicks Ashley’s arm with a power that made me say “No” out loud at my TV, after which flings a bodyguard’s arm away in a hallway. Ashley has to scream at him like a literal baby and no fewer than 15 males nook him within the hallway to get him to go away the occasion. “You might be embarrassing the fuck out of me,” Ashley Darby screams at her husband. Yeah… no shit. “If I ever acted such as you did in that hallway. Fuck off,” Ashley Darby says, unintentionally making a extremely essential level about this season and race in America. At this juncture, Black folks, particularly Black girls, can’t afford to maneuver via life in the way in which that Michael Darby does, doing and saying no matter they need and appearing on their each impulse. Earlier this season, Monique acted impulsively and fought towards somebody whom she felt was attacking her and her household, and all of us noticed how that ended up for her: excommunicated from her good friend circle with a lawsuit that might probably take her away from her children for over 5 years. White males get away with so, a lot, and Michael Darby’s habits on the vacation social gathering is a testomony to that. The foundations will not be the identical throughout the board.
A confessional with Monique reveals what we’ve recognized all alongside, that the courtroom determined that The Nice Barn Brawl of 2019 was a “mutually consented struggle” and never a one-sided assault. As such, all complaints have been dropped. “You’re not gonna ship me to jail since you’re embarrassed that you just obtained dragged if you requested to get dragged,” Monique says, to shut out the season, earlier than her title card reveals that she’s written a tune in regards to the Candiace struggle known as “Drag Queens,” which I want to listen to yesterday. In her white/stolen confessional outfit, Candiace appears very upset with the courtroom’s resolution, however because the saying goes, when you mess with the bull, typically you get the horns.
What a season. Thanks for permitting me to step in mid-season and go on this journey with you all. Till subsequent time. T’Challa perpetually.